freespirited87's Journal [entries|friends|calendar] freespirited87 [ website | My Website ] [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

nightmares [05 Jan 2010|10:47pm] I close my eyes And try to sleep Imagining happy things And trying to stay smiling Then your face appears to me Making my whole body shake with fear I can't imagine anymore The cold hard truth rains down on me Never can I be happy With your face still haunting me I try to flee through the trees You follow me I try to scream but no sound comes I hear your evil laughter and I know You'll never leave me be I dive into nearby bushes Try to stay as quiet as I can I close my eyes and pray Please go away Let me finally be in peace I turn to see you standing there With that twisted evil grin I wake alone in my bed Tears streak my frightened face I know that this will never end I see my cat staring at me coming to say it's ok I hold her close and I know she knows What it is that frightens me so 4 years almost to the day Since I thought I left you behind... It'll be much more than 4 years from now when everything's ok. post comment

I am... [21 Dec 2009|06:26am] I am a girl on a dark beaten path I wonder if I'll ever be free... I feel so cold here in my tattered night dress This path is so narrow And the trees covered in thorns I'm covered in scratches from my head to my bare feet I fight to stay warm But my lips are so blue All I can see is the bright moon Guiding my way to a better place Giving me hope in the dark I'm getting so tired now So weak from the cold Tears freezing on my cheeks I'm lost and alone on this dark frozen path I wonder if I'll ever be free post comment

and the mask comes off [05 Dec 2009|06:33am] I've been wearing a mask for 10 years... Everyone sees me as a happy go lucky carefree individual... Yeah... I've got it made... But nobody sees the dark circles under my eyes and realizes I can't sleep because of the nightmares and the memories Nobody sees the frown beneath the smile that's caused from years of pain and heartache Everyone has their own demons to face And most people are too caught up in their own drama to really care about anyone else's Take me for example... I went to school with a girl who was facing depression worse than myself... Causing harm to herself... To find some relief from the pain? Keeping herself at an arms length.... I was doing the same... I liked people... I just didn't think they'd like me if they truly knew me.... I was evil... Always hurting people around me because I was too scared to let anyone in... And the worst part... I wanted (and still want) to let people in to this dark and dirty mind of mine... But any time someone gets too close to truly knowing me I push them away... I get angry.... I hurt them... As a self preservation tool... I know I do it... I know it's wrong... Unhealthy.... Why can't I stop? I can't face my own mind let alone let someone else in to that dirty mess... I do try and have tried in the past to let people in... But when they see me for me... They tend to back away pretty quick.... People look at me differently when I tell them things that have happened to me and things i've gone through.... I don't like that... I hate pity... Hate it with a passion... Why pity me when i'm not as bad off as a lot of people... Don't look at me thinking "oh that poor girl.... " just don't I'm still here... Surviving as we all do... But I know I'm fucked up.... That'll probably never change... Anyway I have no idea where I'm going with this rant... And I really should sleep..... post comment

random ramblings [29 Nov 2009|09:10pm] I close my eyes and see a dark and twisted path.... Gnarly bare tree branches that year your clothes as you're walking past... No room to move in this narrow path... No moon to see and no othe lights but stars.... I feel trapped and alone... Like i'll never find my way.. The cold is numbing my skin and I'm sure my lips are blue... Nothing to draw warmth from post comment

[27 Nov 2006|08:22pm] ok, Sean... you think you fucking won this time? just because you deleted that part of the conversation we had and hacked into my journal, and had it marked for deletion... yeah, really smart to change the email adress on the account... coz i wouldn't catch on to that when i went to update my journal... well fuck you and i hope you get all you fucking deserve out of this life 9 comments|post comment

[21 Oct 2006|04:27am] [ mood | contemplative ] well... definitely drank 2 cups of coffee, an energy drink then a triple shot of espresso in my perkamellow... which for anyone who's never been to Perks... is a caramel flavored drink with espresso, steamed milk, marshmellows, whipped cream and caramel syrup....yummy, lol... then i drank 2 coolers within the matter of 10 minutes... and smoked the slightest amount of weed... so that's ok... i get sick... and there's Shamus right there, rubbing my back telling me to breathe....  and he kept asking if i was ok... he supported me the first time i lost a bunch of liquid, and the second time he left me to go get me a bottle of water... what a  sweetie, lol... he's definitely a hippy and i like that, he's laidback and relaxed like me.... so i'm gonna have to wait til Sandi gets over the fact that i don't like him in any kind of more than friends way.... and i think i might see what it's like hanging out with Shamus one on one.... but i was fucked... definitely passed out... lol, felt awesome... whoo whoo, lol... anywho, i'm gonna go to bed... finally.... g'night post comment

[21 Oct 2006|03:35am] [ mood | high ] Welcome to the FALL 2006 edition of getting to know your friends. What you are supposed to do with this email...COPY (not forward) the entire email, then paste it into a new e-mail that you'll send. Change all the answers so they apply to you, and then send this to the people you care about, including the person who sent it to you. The theory is that you will learn a lot of little things about your friends, if you did not know them already. 1. What time did you get up this morning?  i dunno...'bout 11ish... 2. What was the last film you saw at the movies?  that would be the retarded movie about buddy who was poisoned and fucked his gf in the middle of chinatown with about a million people cheering him on... umm...Crashed was it Edna?  3. What is your favourite TV show? CSI 4. What did you have for breakfast? egg, toast, fried bologna  5. What is your middle name? Marie after my Nanny  6. What is your favourite cuisine? Mexican... and Perks or i'll say Wendy's...  7. What foods do you dislike? umm... i think just fish  8. What is your favourite chip flavour? all dressed baby  9. What is your favourite CD at the moment? music... i dunno... lol  10. What type of car do you drive? don't drive  11. What characteristics do you dispise? impatience, ignorance and disrespectfulness, as well as any kind of discrimination whatsoever  12. Favourite item of clothing? i'd have to say it's my apron actually, lol...  weird enough as it sounds... i love my apron  13. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? Scotland...  14. Favourite brand of clothing? the kind that has the clothes i like... inexpensively... 15. Where would you like to retire to? a farm...with a pond...and fish in the pond... or in a house with a cupola and a wraparound porch... 16. Favourite time of the day? night  17. What was your most memorable birthday? my 18th... Julie had to go to the hospital... and everyone slept over... 18. Where were you born?  Truro... 19. Favourite sport to watch? um... i'd have to say hockey...  20. Who do you least expect to send this back to you? NA 21. Who do you expect to send it back first? NA 22. What fabric detergent do you use? the kind that cleans my clothes... 23. Coke or Pepsi?  neither 24. Are you a morning person or a night owl? night owl 25. What is your shoe size? 6 26. Do you have any pets? just my Braveyboy 27. What did you want to be when your grown-up.? psychiatrist... 28. When is your birthday? May 14, 1987  **********FAVOURITES**************** Shampoo? Herbal Essences... i know it's shameful for a hippy but still Soap? Sandalwood Summer/Winter? summer Favourite Advertisement? The Oh Henry commercial where buddie's in the theater with his date and his "hunger" starts whining... greatness, lol  ****RIGHT NOW***************** Wearing? tshirt Jennie sent me from Aurora ON Eating? currently nothing Thinking about? how fucking wasted i got tonight... and how thankful i am that Shamus was there helping me deal with it... he said i worried him for a bit there, he kept checking to see if i was alive... Listening to: the clacking of the keys as i type this sentence...  Book: Nora Robert's... umm... some book **********THE LAST 24 HOURS************** Cried? no, but definitely wanted to  Met someone new? well it was a little over 24 hours... but yeah... lol, no i work in customer service... of course i meet new people on a daily basis...  Cleaned your room? nope  Drove a car? nope How many hours sleep? donno  ***********DO YOU BELIEVE IN* ************* God?  i call her Karma...  Yourself? for the most part  Your friends? i do... and i'm quickly finding out more and more about new friends... Santa Claus? i believe the spirit of Santa Claus is the personification of the Christmas spirit... although the present thing... dunno Ghosts? definitely do  **********FRIENDS AND LIFE********** Who have you known the longest of your friends? Jennie, Geri... Robyn Ashley and Ashley Who do you go to for advice?  i don't get advice... but i talk to Debbie and Krista and Melsa When do you cry the most? when i think about certain happenings from a long time ago Do want your friends to do this and send it back to you? NA  post comment

read between the lines [09 Oct 2006|01:56am] I'm tired of being what you want me to be Feeling so faithless lost under the surface Don't know what you're expecting of me Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes (Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow) Every step that I take is another mistake to you (Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow) I've become so numb I can't feel you there I've become so tired so much more aware I'm becoming this all I want to do Is be more like me and be less like you Can't you see that you're smothering me Holding too tightly afraid to lose control Cause everything that you thought I would be Has fallen apart right in front of you (Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow) Every step that I take is another mistake to you (Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow) And every second I waste is more than I can take I've become so numb I can't feel you there I've become so tired so much more aware I'm becoming this all I want to do Is be more like me and be less like you And I know I may end up failing too But I know You were just like me With someone disappointed in you I've become so numb I can't feel you there I've become so tired so much more aware I'm becoming this all I want to do Is be more like me and be less like you I've become so numb I can't feel you there Tired of being what you want me to be I've become so numb I can't feel you there Tired of being what you want me to be post comment

[08 Oct 2006|02:35am] another night, another fight... god i hate this if only complete and utter peace could be accomplished in this house... but it'll never happen, there's always going to be eggshells to walk on... always... as long as the liquor flows ... there will be a fight every night for the rest of his life...  about the smallest thing... mountains are made out of mole hills... and if that weren't enough... there is no more "us" it's just a him and a me.... and a lot of angry words.... but last night went too far..... and you're not here to talk to anymore.... you're gone away for a while... and when you get back everything will be different.... that hurts... more than i can say i just want to pour my heart out... but i know it's not necessarily the smartest thing to do... and even if i DID, what would it accomplish besides make everything just that much more miserable? ... you already know how i feel... i know how you feel, what's said is said and what's done is done... and i know that it is just that... done... definitely found this This is how it works: You're young until you're not You love until you don't You try until you can't You laugh until you cry You cry until you laugh And everyone must breath Until their dying breath 4 comments|post comment

this is boredom at its best [08 Oct 2006|12:54am] ( quizzes... how i occupy my time ) post comment

[07 Oct 2006|11:17pm] ONE. Spell your name without vowels? --TRR (full name: TRR MR SNGR) TWO. Are you single? --i guess you could say that... THREE Whats your favorite number? --5.. or 62 F0UR Whats your favorite color? -- orange or lime green FIVE. Whens the next time you will see your crush? -- ... SIX. What are you listening to? -- Matchbox 20 - Unwell SEVEN. what are you doing right now? --moping... nobody wants to be around a sulky Terri EIGHT. Are you happy with your life right now? -- i'm happy with work and the fact that my kitten didn't die NINE. Anyone ever said you resemble a celebrity? -- people used to call me Nelly Furtado... i really don't look anything like her, lol TEN What is your favorite class in school? --don't attend, but i love math ELEVEN Do you shop at hollister/abercrombie & fitch/ae? -- nope TWELVE. How do you make money? -- I work at Perks Coffee Shop at MicMac Mall THIRTEEN Do you ever wish you were 5 years old again? -- oh how simple life was back then.... FOURTEEN. what is your favorite day of the week? -- used to be Sunday coz i knew i didn't have to work... now the mall's going to be open... so umm... any day i have off to sleep in FIFTEEN Are you outgoing? -- HAHAHA yes, i most definitely am SIXTEEN. One word to describe you. -- spontaneous SEVENTEEN. Favorite pair of shoes? -- flipflops! EIGHTEEN. Do you own big sunglasses? -- ew, no NINETEEN Where do you wish you were right now? -- i dunno... i'm pretty content... nobody bugging me to go watch a movie or anything... he's in Quebec TWENTY. What should you be doing right now? -- probably sleeping TWENTY-ONE. Do you have a crush on anyone right now? -- ... post comment

[06 Oct 2006|09:51pm] Ok... so maybe i'll jinx myself by saying this... but the french security guard guy came to Perks today with a memo telling us the new mall hours... and Saturday we'll be closing at 6:30pm, and Sunday the mall will only open from 12-5... which is a lot better for us than it is for anyone not working at the mall... they have to pitch the idea to the Halifax Shopping Center or somehting like that before it's confirmed... and as long as all malls are in agreeance or something to that effect, it's going to happen, and it'll be in the paper on Tuesday....well that's what i took from what he was saying anyways...... so WHEEE, lol... and we're hiring one more person, because literally, i am the only one at work who's willing to work Sundays... :( but it's coz Krista has a son, Jessica refuses to outright, Melissa only HAS Sunday with her dying father and Debbie only has Sunday with her husband... and there's a grand total of 5 staff members at my Perks location :S but anyways, i'm a goin... 2 comments|post comment

[06 Oct 2006|09:46pm] post comment

[03 Oct 2006|07:50pm] sleepyhead he's not pissed at me or anything... lol found out they shaved his arm to put the iv in... lol AND, my hair that cost me $86 8 comments|post comment

[03 Oct 2006|07:38pm] i did NOT cross any lines mister.... just realize that post comment

[01 Oct 2006|02:19pm] so... when Braveheart came home... he was sick... and he had a fever the first night he was back, and was coughing a lot.... he had a lot of energy though... we shouldn't have let him run around so much... but he did anyways... anyways... i came home from work last night and found out that he's been coughing a lot, not purring and i picked him up and i flipped out coz he's not breathing properly... so we called the emergency animal hospital, the said to bring him him... they did an xray on him and half of his lung was full of fluid... so he stayed at the hospital over night on an iv... had another x ray... i called this morning they said he's doing a lot better, breathing a lot easier... and when i came home i was dying inside, i sat and ate my Wendy's... and Sean was downstairs and told his father that we'd broken up.... and this morning... we talked and he doesn't want me in his life at all if i leave him.... which breaks my heart, because i do love him... but if that's what he wants, i have to respect it... anyways, i'm gona go have a shower... coz i'm seriously grungy...  when i first got Braveheart... a few weeks later... just Friday... 5 comments|post comment

[30 Sep 2006|12:29am] [ mood | sick ] well... i'm not feeling well... kinda like i'm going to puke... but today was fun... i went to get my hair done by Paul, and it cost me a grand total of $86 and some odd cents... which is horrible, although it did take 3 bottles of dye for my hair to be done and it was razored, thinned, trimmed and washed..  so i like it, i think it looks great, it's darker than i would've liked, however... it's still nice and then i ate 3 cookies, and hung out with Shirley til about 8:30ish... and i walked home it rained for like 5 minutes on a 10 minute walk and i couldnt' wait to get home to see my Bravey boy... he's home now... and i missed him so much, when he heard my voice he came running... so he must've missed me too... but he missed all of us... he's on painkillers... 20 mgs a day... three days... so i have to give him more pills, YAY! not... but yeah... here's videos from Jesus  http://my.break.com/media/view.aspx?ContentID=158137 http://my.break.com/media/view.aspx?ContentID=158157 2 comments|post comment

[29 Sep 2006|12:06am] 1. Grab the nearest book. 2. Open the book to page 123. 3. Find the fifth sentence. 4. Post the text of the next 4 sentences on your LJ along with these instructions. 5. Don't you dare dig for that "cool" or "intellectual" book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it! Just pick up whatever is closest. 6. Tag five people. Feel free to steal! "Considering they were alone in the dark, in a blizzard, and that Bing outweighed him by around seventy pounds and would, Nate was sure, like nothing better than to bury him in the mountain of removed snow until his cold, dead body was found in the spring thaw, he decided not to argue the point. Or mention the law against carrying open containers of alcohol in a vehicle or the dangers of drinking while operating heavy machinery. Bing turned his massive shoulders. Nate could see nothing but his eyes, squinting between watch cap and scarf." my latest obsession by Nora Roberts... lol 2 comments|post comment

My December - Linkin Park [28 Sep 2006|11:29pm] [ mood | thoughtful ] ok... i feel slightly less than easy... i heard about something tonight from a friend of mine... she said that a friend of hers had been assaulted by her former boyfriend.... a bruise was left and now this guy completely hates her... to the point of making and posting anti her pictures online.... one has to wonder what she did in return.... if she did anything... or even what she did to warrant the assault in the first place... nothing like that can ever be excused... nor can it be forgiven, however... i know this person... i talk to them and interact with them, and i've never gotten any kind of negative vibe from them.... although i recently had a disagreement... and not even that... a completely unexplainable argument... and now he refuses to forgive me for stating my opinion on something he said... and it's pretty sad, because he's been a friend of mine for a few years now... and it hurts to hear things regarding his violence... because i definitely don't want to believe it... but there were witnesses to the bruise....  i dunno... but it's hard to talk about without mentioning names... and i don't really want to mention names... but basically, it's just something i heard about a friend that really got to me.... ANYways... Braveheart comes home tomorrow!!!!!! i had the funnest night ever, hanging out with Crystal and Shirley and Edna at work... Crystal and i went outside, and i bummed 2 smokes in total the whole night... it was fun... and then i went over to Showcase and sat in one of the massage chairs... *drools* soo good... and the guy who works there, Chris, Edna and i were joking about how he can give better massages with oils, lol... it was funny, and Edna's like "i want a massage Chris!" lol, but then Jessica got off at like almost 8, i had gotten off at 3... and we split a cab home... then i came home, played FFX, fell asleep, woke up, turned off the game... and now am here... Sean thinks i should go to the doctor's... but i don't really want to... coz i'm having gall bladder pain... not a biggie though, so i really don't want to be harassed any more about it... end of discussion... ok, Sean? lol, but i'm outtie... post comment

[28 Sep 2006|12:10am] well... i wasn't trying to be a bitch in my last post... but honestly, everybody else who reads it seems to agree 100% with what i'm saying... so to be completely fucking petty and block both Sean and i? i wasn't insulting you... not in the least... i was telling you how i felt about the situation... and maybe i have my wires crossed, but that's how the situation was percieved by me... so fine... if you don't want to be a man and talk to me about it fine... i won't talk to you either... but to despise your supposed best friend for something that I myself as my own person said? gimme a break.... just... think about it before you say or do anything else... and maybe you'll realize how unfair you're really being 4 comments|post comment

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ] [ go | earlier ]